Definitely Not A Fan…

December 22, 2008 at 5:10 am (Uncategorized)

To continue, while there are several indie fashions that I applaud and wish I were attractive enough to pull off in a way appealing to the opposite sex, there’s still a few that I just don’t get.  I realize that some of the people reading this may wear the things I’m about to highlight. If this is the case and I end up hurting your feelings then, rather than apologize, I’d just like to remind you that:

1) I am balding

2) I wear tan pants with a lot of pen marks on them every other day

3) I still don’t know how to tuck in shirts properly

4) I am not a handsome man


That being said, I offer you a list of silly indie wear that I think is dumb looking

ewempire15-1  Boots over pants: Listen, lady readers, I know you wear these. It hurts me to say this but…I think you could all do better. Listen, if you like to wear your boots over your pants then…whatever. Be yourself, I guess. I just think that there is a far better self  awaiting you around the corner that, well, maybe doesn’t pull their boots up to their dungaree knees. So I vote that you all use your God-given freedoms to band together, organize, and collectively jettison this look and move on to the next exciting fashion! But seriously, this is your chance to shatter the biggest glass ceiling ever. Fight the power! Please do not kill me. 






emo_hair2Hair that looks like this:

What the hell, guys? Look at yourselves! It’s not so much the style that bothers me, but that horrible “I’m mysterious and melancholy” look on the faces of those who don this dippy doo. And the fact that, when I enter a coffee shop, I know full well that every other person will look like this ding-dong that you see to the left, facial expression and all. Nothing makes me happier than people who are perfectly pleased with their hair cut for no other reason than they think it looks decent. Bruce Springsteen is a shining example of this. Isn’t that right, Bruce?

       images-3“That’s right, Justin. My hair ain’t fancy, but it does what it needs to do.”

Does what it needs to ‘do’. HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! I see what you did right there with that pun, Boss. 

You see kids, Bruce and I both know that ‘indie’ stands for ‘independence.’ I think if 3/4ths of you have the same exact haircut then that independence is questionable. 



skinnyjeansGirl pants on guys

Listen, bros…I guess I can see why you all think these look cool. They are a vast improvement over parachute pants. I guess I just worry that you are perhaps…hurting your ‘goods’??? Bunchin’ up the batch a bit too much? How do any of you walk around without shrieking high pitched squeals of pain? When I was in 6th grade, fat as a fart, and taking Shotokan karate I just remember SQUEEZING into my too-tight Gi pants and nearly crying. I can’t imagine this was at all healthy for my testicles. Come on guys, the children…think of the children. 

For more info on the enormous health risk of girl pants on your…balls, please click here.


Alright, I can’t think of any indie fashions that I dislike too much aside from the ones mentioned herein. Take care, you hipsters!


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